In the midst of sorrow and pain, you can despair or you can rise. In the past few days, I’ve been very intentional. What are my eyes seeing, what am I listening to, what am I consuming. Recently, I’m having to be reminded that eccentricity is not a bad thing. I’m an old soul. I’m refraining from the gossip rags, the celebrity idolization, and focusing on how to be a better human being. God’s in the conviction business.
I’m taking care of my mind and body. I’ve long abandoned it, but I can’t any longer. I took a slow thirty minute walk on the treadmill. In the past I would focus on how slow I was, but for my body to walk on a treadmill at 41 is a miracle. I remember being a child trying to walk on it, and I couldn’t physically or mentally. I’ve probably told this story, but it bears repeating, if only for my hard headed self. Progress happens even if it took forever.
Medically, it’s a miracle I’m as ambulatory as I am. God has been good to me. More than good. I need to write this down for the days that aren’t great. I’m fully cognizant of that fact. My body will not always have good days. I relish them right now. I’m grateful for each one. I’m having to realize that when I wrote all my goals down in a journal years ago, only two haven’t been answered. Two. That means God’s batting average is pretty darn good. I won’t sugarcoat, and tell you I’ve haven’t been humbled.
God does that too. Right now, in helping others, I’m helping myself. I’m finding my purpose. My joy. When I told you I didn’t serve man, I meant it. I’m not going to be a keyboard warrior, or tell you you’re a horrible human being. I’m letting God do His job. I’m too mentally tired to police the world. I’m praying, and let God lead me. Every time I feel inadequate, God says the world doesn’t need your dollars, it needs your heart. It needs your light.
A light you dimmed. Dimmed because the world didn’t understand you. A world that will never give you what you need, but a world that needs you. More than you want to admit or finally accept. You don’t need the world, Regine, but it needs you. Love the people in the world, but don’t lose yourself in it. Trying to fit in. You never have. You never will.
It’s okay. It’s more than okay. The girl who still chooses old classics over new hits. The girl who would rather watch ballet over breakdancing. Give me comfort over conformity. Give me the food that evokes a memory not fancy deconstruction. Odd end in a new world. I want the truth. Not a made up mystery.
I was reminded of something. I will always care. I always have. Always will. It’s who I am. I don’t need applause even though in my humanness I crave it. My desire for it is being dealt with every day.
I don’t know my point. Or if I’m trying to make one.
Live and let live
For the author
Makes His judgements
Not I
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