Mistakes we made. The wrong words spoken. Bad choices.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could go back in time and erase bad episodes? Replace them with better, more preferable alternatives that are not tainted with regret or still subject to self-flagellation.
Sadly, no such facility is available and we all have to live with the consequences of our actions and what we said or didn't say.
I guess there are some sunny people out there who can just brush away the negative stuff and rejoice in their happy times, their moments of fulfilment and proud achievement. But I am not one of those. I just cannot help myself. Frequently, I replay scenes or moments from my past that I still beat myself up about years later. I curse at myself and shake my head, occasionally muttering expressions under my breath like: "You stupid bastard!" or "Why? Why the hell did you say that?"
Am I alone in this? Is it just me?
Up at last night's pub quiz in "The Hammer and Pincers", I was saying to my friend Mick that for the most part people cannot help who they are. Your nature may be loud and outgoing or you might be quiet and introspective. You may be boastful or shy. You might value education and books or you might shun all of that.
In a similar way, I cannot call a halt to my endless self-criticism. Mostly it is a private, internal thing that I do not share with others. And remarking upon it via this blogpost is I think very much out of character for me.
To repeat, that possibility of replacement - of revising the past - is merely a chimera - an illusion or un-realizable dream. The truth of it is that you just have to soldier on being who you are.
from Yorkshire Pudding https://ift.tt/rWf8F0b
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